D day – in this case, diagnosis day


I am nervous about writing this blog post and I’m not sure if it is the right thing to post but if I want to be open and eventually help other people then I think it’s a positive thing for me to do. I’m not doing this for sympathy but purely for people to understand that a diagnosis does not mean you are ‘crazy’, it just means you need a bit of extra help.

Today was a mega difficult day for me and my mental health journey, but an important one. I have waited a long time to finally start getting the help that I need and it has taken a long time for me to listen to people, be open, honest and to not be ashamed of how I feel because you can’t help it – It’s like having a physical illness.

I had my initial assessment with my local Community Mental Health Team. I was so nervous beforehand (I threw up my breakfast – tmi I know) – I had been bricking it for weeks as I’ve known that it’s what I’ve needed. I’ve had a lot of great counselling over the years but my recent Psychologist really supported me in getting some long-term help for my more complex problems by writing to my doctor.

My GP had sent the mental health team a really detailed referral beforehand which was great as they already knew how I was feeling when I got there and I just had to fill in the gaps and answer a few more questions. I cried the whole way through it but the Community Psychiatric Nurse was so lovely and explained that it’s not just me who feels the way I do which made me feel slightly better! When you have any mental illness you feel completely alone when in actual fact, loads of people are going through the same thing.

After speaking to me for a good hour and a half, the nurse diagnosed me with EUPD – Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder  (I absolutely HATE this term and much prefer the other name that is used for it and is most commonly known as Borderline Personality Disorder) and anxiety.  This does not mean there are 6 personalities hiding inside of me. It just means I fit a series of personality traits that they classify under this type of diagnosis.

A Psychiatrist also chatted to me and changed my current meds dosage for my anxiety.

I had a feeling I might have something like this but it was still a shock but also a relief. It means I can finally understand why I feel the way that I do. I know it’s a positive step even though I’m still finding it all so hard to process.

This is probably the only blog post that will be this personal. I want to focus now on the ‘getting better’ side of things as that is more important than dwelling on what is wrong. I just didn’t want people to think it’s all unicorns and rainbows. I know there’s going to be some really crap days ahead that will really challenge me. It’s going to be a long journey but I need to be able to help myself.

Today has also made me realise that I have some fantastic friends who are so supportive. My phone was full of messages when I got out of my appointment which put a smile on my face 🙂

Onwards and upwards!