Deers and Dying Plants

NHS windowsills are uninspiring

When your therapist asks you if you are having dark thoughts you realise that you mustn’t look particularly great. I’d been staring into space for a while not listening to the words coming out of her mouth. All I could think about was why had they bothered to put a plant in the room if it was just going to be left for dead on the windowsill.

The room has no positive energy so I think the plant has probably given up on life. Every week when I stare at it, it seems to have died inside a bit more. I don’t blame it, having to sit there and absorb everyone’s problems.

I day dream quite a lot in my sessions. When I zone back in and get asked what I was thinking about, I don’t mention the plant.

A bit of light reading in the waiting room. At least it’s a change from OK magazine…

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I’m experiencing an assault course with my emotions.

Everyone’s mood goes up and down throughout the day, whether a number comes up on your phone that you don’t want to answer or your lunch gets squished in your bag and now you have warm, flat cheese sandwiches. It’s normal for moods to change throughout the day…

…but my moods do this thing where everything is heightened and I can’t control how I feel and behave. I react badly to changes which then sets me off on a downward spiral for the rest of the day, where I’m either so anxious and worried or I just want to hide away and burrito wrap myself in a blanket, maybe not over something as drastic as a squished cheese sandwich but you get the idea!

I describe living with BPD like having Bipolar but on speed. Although, I’m now being told to keep a mood diary so my emotions can be monitored as apparently ‘a diagnosis can change.’ At this point, whether it’s BPD or Bipolar, I don’t really care. I just want to get back into having a routine and getting on with my life very soon!

I am trying as much as I can. I go to meditation, the gym (occasionally), I go for walks and I try and get creative with crafts. It’s a bit of light relief from my mind for a couple of hours as I have to concentrate on not burning myself with a glue gun or tripping over my own trainer at the gym (yes, this has happened).

I’ve had some good experiences over the past week though. I had a special moment with a deer at Plessey Woods and I’ve finally opened my own Etsy page to sell my craft stuff.

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I have a bit of anxiety around selling my stuff as I never believe it’s good enough to sell.

I wish the stuff that I enjoy doing and am reasonably good at would pay the bills, but it doesn’t!

I am struggling to see anything past the next day at the minute as it’s a bit overwhelming, but I will get there!

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